I've been trying for weeks to figure out how to address the events of September 11th, 2001 in this newsletter but I don't know how. How does one put into words what they are feeling, what they are thinking after watching live on TV as these unbelievable events unfolded? I've seen the shows, read the reports and I still find it hard to comprehend this happened to our Neighbours to the South. To all of our American readers do know this -- the hearts and the tears of the world are with you.

People will mourn and react in their own way, remember this as someone you know might have a 'different' way of dealing with it. If you or your children are having problems dealing with it do look for help and support. If you don't know where to find some help or someone to talk to email us and we'll help you.

Fall is in the air once again! Happy Thanksgiving (October 8th) to all the Canadian Readers!

This month although Halloween and Thanksgiving will be upon us first, we wanted to share an article about Single Parents and Christmas. If you like what you read, follow the link through to the Authors book site -- all profits are going to charity..

October is also the kick off for the Christmas season with our Christmas Family that we adopt from an Angels program. Please read up on this years program and see if you can help out in some way.

Our online polls have been a fun exercise. Be certain to read this months results on our poll about Christmas Shopping. Look also for the new poll in this months "Ramblings" on Halloween.

As usual, I'd like to take this moment to welcome all of our new subscribers and bid a 'welcome back' to our returning ones.

• October's Recipes (with a Thanksgiving theme)
  • Broccoli-Cheese Casserole
  • Baked Vegetables
    
• Gifts From the Heart: Christmas and Divorce
  
• Christmas Angel Program
• Ramblings
  • Trick or Treating. Do your children do it?

Broccoli-Cheese Casserole

• Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Butter a 9x13 inch baking dish.
• In a medium mixing bowl, whisk together condensed soup, mayonnaise, egg and onions.
• Place frozen broccoli into a very large mixing bowl. (I like to use my large stainless steel bowl to mix this recipe thoroughly.) Break up the frozen broccoli. Using a rubber spatula, scrape soup-mayonnaise mixture on top of broccoli, and mix well. Sprinkle on cheese, and mix well. Spread mixture into prepared baking dish, and smooth top of casserole. Season with salt, pepper and paprika.
• Bake for 45 minutes to 1 hour.

• reheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Lightly oil a large, shallow baking dish.
• Combine vegetables in prepared baking dish, and lightly salt. Brush with olive oil, and sprinkle with dry soup mix.
• Bake for 30 to 45 minutes in the preheated oven, or until vegetables are tender.
• You can feel with a fork when they are ready.

May Be Excerpted with Permission, by Single Parents World, from Gifts From The Heart, Virginia Brucker, copyrighted ©2000

Hard words bruise the heart of a child.
~Longfellow

Most of us have a vision of Christmas that includes two loving parents and a couple of happy children. We wish it were so. Over half of today's children will experience Christmas as part of a divorced family; many will join blended families with all the complications that combining two sets of children entails. Some will spend Christmas with a parent who is still grieving for the loss of their marriage. Divorce is hard on children, parents and grandparents; there is so much anger, pain and resentment. Many of you may feel anything but "merry" as you adjust to the pressures and financial worries of single parenting. Christmas may feel like an impossible challenge this year. Here are some practical suggestions for coping with Christmas as a divorced parent or as a step-parent. Perhaps they will help you give your children the gift of peace and harmony between the two households.

• Make decisions about "who is going where with whom" long before Christmas holidays actually start.
• Let your children know what the plans are and why the decisions have been made this way. Involve them in the planning if possible.
• Consider having your children spend Christmas Eve with one parent and Christmas Day with the other. That way both parents can enjoy seeing the children open their gifts.
• Listen carefully to what your children want to do about traditions. Some children will really need the comfort of old family rituals. Others may prefer to create new ones. Have a family meeting in November to discuss their preferences.
• Help your kids buy or make a gift for their mom or dad and their other set of grandparents. Even it is hard to for you to do, it's really important.
• Give your children what may be the best gift of all. Either say positive things about their other parent or say nothing at all.
• Give gifts that encourage your children to stay in touch with you or your ex. Long distance phone cards, stationary, a tape recorder and tapes help kids stay connected.
• Try hard to maintain a cordial relationship with your ex-in-laws. Don't deny relatives access just because you are angry with your former spouse. Kids need lots of people to love them!
• When you take your Christmas film in to get developed, get an extra set of sets of prints. Your kids can make albums for mom/dad and grandparents to give as gifts.
• Don't fall into the "feeling guilty" trap of buying tons of gifts. Spend more time doing things with your children instead, not only at Christmas, but throughout the year.
• Write a special holiday letter to each of your children. Tell them what you love and admire most about them. If you aren't able to give it to them this year, put it away in a special memory box.
• Consider spending Christmas in a new place or with special friends this year; the first holiday on your own is especially difficult.
• Be sensitive to your children's moods and needs. If both households are trying to fit in lots of activities, there may be too much excitement. Choose calming activities; read together, bake cookies, go for walks, and play board games.
• If you are going to be alone at Christmas, be extra good to yourself. Arrange special visits with friends and family. Don't tell your children how lonely you'll be -- Christmas will be hard enough for them because you aren't there.
• If your finances are strained, and most people's are after a divorce, find inexpensive ways to have fun. Make snowmen, drink hot chocolate, snuggle up on the couch and watch a classic Christmas movie together.
• It's natural to be bitter and angry, but try to reframe your thinking. Instead of thinking about what you don't have, find ways to share what you do have. Visit a nursing home or bake cookies for a shelter.
• If you are the parent with more money, be sensitive to the fact that your former spouse may not have a lot to spend on gifts. Don't give overly extravagant gifts-help with winter clothing or other expenses instead.
• If your relationship with your ex-spouse allows, consider combining funds for an expensive item like a bike or a snowboard.
• Give gifts that help your child cope with going back and forth between two households. Extra toiletry items, clothing, pajamas, toys, books, art supplies or an attractive comforter with a matching pillowcase will make both households feel like home.
• Buying kids' clothes can be a real challenge for single parents. If your family wants to give clothes for gifts, provide them with a list of the items and sizes needed. Encourage relatives to buy separates where practical-kids wear pants out much faster than other items. Dark colors don't show stains as quickly as lighter ones. Older children and teens may prefer a gift certificate for a particular store. If possible, buy unisex clothing that can be worn by an older child and then passed on to a sibling. A navy, gray, or dark green winter coat may be a better choice than a pink or purple one. You can always buy a hat and mitts in your child's favorite color to jazz it up. Encourage relatives to buy clothes that
  wash easily and don't need ironing. You have enough to do already.
• Don't be late picking your children up. If you are shopping or at a Christmas event, make sure you allow extra time for traffic. It's very stressful for children to sit waiting.
• If you won't be seeing your children at Christmas, mail or deliver your gifts early. Your child is counting on you!

Celebrating Christmas with a Blended Family

Christmas with a blended family can be extraordinarily difficult. Old angers, resentments, and conflicts can wreak havoc with carefully made plans. It takes time and tact to combine old traditions as you discover new ones. Have a family discussion about plans and expectations. Each person needs to express his or her feelings. Try to compromise where you can. If you expect some disharmony, you will be better prepared to deal with it. Holidays can be trigger points for emotional outbursts. Children grieve for a long time for the family, and the holiday, they used to have. Remember who is the grown up. Be patient. Give extra hugs.

• If you can afford to, consider spending Christmas somewhere new the first year. A place that has no family history for either part of your blended family is a better choice than one where either side has previously visited. Take lots of games and activities along.
• Ask your children which traditions they really want to bring to the new family. Even if it isn't the way you've always done it, it's important to incorporate some of their ideas. All children need the stability and comfort old traditions offer. Children in blended families need them even more, especially when they are finding their way in new relationships.
• Create some new traditions together-ordering pizza on Christmas Eve, going skating or making a wreath with boughs and pinecones collected on a family walk might be fun ones to begin with.
• Spend the same amount on gifts for each child. Make sure that the number of gifts children receive is also as even as possible. Children are quick to spot unfairness.
• Talk to grandparents about gifts. Perhaps they could give a family gift rather than individual presents, or all of the children might get a small gift such as a cozy sweatshirt or a pair of pajamas.
• Clear your calendar as much as possible to make time for family. People will understand when you explain that your family has made a decision to spend more time at home together this year.
• If the two sets of children don't normally live together, try and find a bed for each or have all the kids camp out on sleeping bags in the family room. It's hard to be the kid who has to give up his/her bed and it's hard to be the kid whose "visitor status" is made very apparent because he/she doesn't have one. Bunk beds and rollaway cots may help.
• If you hang stockings, make sure there is one for each child. Make ones for the kids who are coming as a family project.
• If everyone will be biking or skating, borrow or rent some equipment for the children coming for the holiday.
• Help the children make or buy small gifts for each other.
• If you are going to be including a family letter in your cards this year, ask all of the children to contribute a paragraph to it. If you send a picture, choose a photo that has all of you in it.
• If your children get along well, consider some joint gifts like board games. If you are just getting to know each other this year, find books or craft kits that will allow each child some private time during the holidays.
• Be sensitive when choosing Christmas movies the first year. Find funny ones neither set of children has seen before.
• If you have pictures of your children on display, make sure both sets of kids are equally represented.
• If your "in-house" children are very young, sharing toys can be difficult. Help them decide ahead of time which toys they feel they can share. Find a box with a lid to put the others in and put them in their closet to keep safe until after the holiday

from Gifts From The Heart, Virginia Brucker, copyrighted 2000
profits go to Cancer Research

Every year another site on the interent runs an Assistance Program for Christmas. They place single parent families with "Angels" who provide a Christmas for families that would otherwise go without.

Anyone can adopt a family and help in many ways. You can buy an online gift certificate so the parents can do their own shopping or you can send a package. The suggested amount is $50 per child so it is many people's reach to help.

Having said that, we at ParentsWorld do tend to go all out for the family we adopt as a group! Last year we spent in excess of $300 on our mom and daughter -- and loved every minute of it!

The great thing about doing this as a group, is those in a tight financial position themselves simply send me what they can. We had donations from $5 to $25 last year. Most people sent their cheque with a request for an item to buy. I'd buy it for them (the American dollar goes SOOO much further here in Canada!) and send them a picture via email of their present.

Knowing how lonely a single parent Christmas can be we make certain we buy both for mother and child and household. Our past two Christmas families now have items such as placemats and ornaments that they can keep forever. Children receive not only toys but clothing. Mom gets clothing (housecoats and such that's easy to buy) and special things for her (books, bath stuff and so on). We enjoy sending baking and things that we consider "Canadian" as so far all of our families have been American.

See the results from our last year's Angel Family here.

Year after year less children are going door to door trick or treating and attending community events instead. With the state of the world as it is, with safety in mind I'm sure we'll see those numbers NOT going out this year rise even more.

Maybe I'm nuts but my kids still go door to door. It's a fond part of childhood that I want my children to enjoy too. Though we live in a large city we belong to a small community. A community where we know our neighbours and are actively involved in. Perhaps that makes it different.

If your children do go out door to door please make certain that either you go with them or a responsible older sibling/friend guide them through the night. You might know your neighbours but unsupervised children wandering the streets are prime targets for bullying, traffic accidents, or worse.

If you do not feel safe sending your children door to door most communities have other safe options available. Check with your community association, school, girl guides/boy scouts or boys and girls clubs for safe and fun supervised parties.

This months poll will ask the question do you let your Children Trick or Treat door to door. For those who took part, last months poll (our closest one yet!) ended up as follows:

Well folks, that's it for another month. As usual, if you have any suggestions or contributions let me know! We're always up to suggestions and recipes sent in also have the chance to be included on the website.

Jill Lassaline, editor
Single Parents World