By Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.
Helping your child through your divorce
may be one of the most difficult tasks you will ever face as a parent. The following
is a brief list of practical tips that can help as you walk through this difficult
time with your child.
1. Be honest. Don't lead your child to
believe "dad's away on business" or "everything is going to be
wonderful". Children are very perceptive. They know if a parent is trying
to hide something, even if the purpose is to spare their feelings. Children need
simple straightforward answers they can understand, without blame or making anyone
wrong or bad. 2. Let your child know it is not their fault. All children
assume they may be responsible for their parents' breakup. Children need to be
gently reassured repeatedly over the first couple of years that the divorce is
an adult decision having nothing to with them or their behavior.
3. Listen quietly. Children have many questions, feelings, assumptions and
concerns about divorce. Many parents find it difficult to just sit quietly and
listen to their children talk without trying to interrupt with a "fix-it"
statement. Children need to feel heard with quiet patience and undivided attention.
4. Let your child know however they respond to the divorce is O.K. Many
children hide their feelings of sadness, grief, anger or confusion because they
are afraid expressing these feelings will upset their parents. Children need to
know all their feelings are acceptable. 5. Let your child know it is normal
for them to want their parents to get back together again. Children can feel ashamed
about this very normal wish. You can explain to your child that once divorced,
it is very unlikely that people ever get back together, but their wish for reconciliation
is very normal. 6. Reassure your child of personal safety. Many children
are concerned if their parents divorce there will not be enough food or shelter
or clothing for them. Children living with single mothers may also need reassurance
that she has a plan to protect them in case of fire, "burglars" or "ghosts".
7. Ask your child about friends of theirs whose parents are divorced. This
is a good way to learn of your child's fears and assumptions about divorced parents,
and gives you the opportunity to clear up any misconceptions and remind them that
other children have gone through what they are now going through. 8. Don't
put your child in the middle or try to make them take sides. Don't say anything
about your ex in earshot of your child. Don't have your child carry messages to
your ex. Children need to be able to love both parents.
If one parent is disapproving
of affection a child expresses toward the other parent, the child will begin to
withdraw, become dishonest or depressed.
9. Spend time with caring friends. Having
a supportive network can protect your child from becoming your confidant and feeling
responsible for your emotional well being. It can also give you a higher frustration
tolerance for the normal everyday things kids do. 10. Read together and
talk about a book on divorce for children. This will help you explain important
facts to your child and help your child formulate questions they might otherwise
not have words for. A wonderful interactive book to read with your child is My
Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced, written by Dr.
Lois V. Nightingale herself. |
