|  By
Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Hidden Messages: What Our Words and Actions are Really
Telling Our Children
“Dad! I’m home!” Melody announced
her arrival from school in the typical way. “Where are you?’ “In
my office, Mel,” Kevin answered. She ambled in, knowing she’d get a
hug, a smile, and an inquiry about her day. After they exchanged greetings and
Melody told him about her day at school, she turned to leave the room. Kevin stopped
her. “Mel? Before you go out to play, would you mind picking up the dog doo
in the yard? You know you’re suppose to do it in the morning before you leave.” Melody
wrinkled her nose. “Sorry, Daddy. I forgot. I’ll do it.” A
while later, Kevin finished his work. As he entered the kitchen to start dinner,
he spotted Melody out on the swing set. He also spotted the various brown lumps
decorating his lawn. Kevin opened the window and called out to remind his daughter,
“Melody! Don’t forget to pick up the dog doo!” “OK!”
she answered back cheerfully. Soon after, Kevin called Melody for dinner.
“What do you say we eat outside? It’s really nice out.” As the
two of them toted their food out to the picnic table, Kevin had to sidestep several
doggie deposits. “Mel, this is really gross. I wish you’d get it picked
up.” “I’ll do it right after dinner. Promise.” Melody
looked contrite, but her Dad looked unconvinced. Dad and daughter enjoyed
a very pleasant dinner, despite the canine ambiance, catching up on the day’s
news and tossing around ideas for the upcoming weekend. As soon as they’d
cleared the picnic table and tidied up the kitchen, Melody gathered up her homework
and began studying diligently for her math test. Kevin put his hand on her
shoulder. “Honey…I’m really proud of you for being so conscientious
about your homework. . . but are you ever going to pick up that dog doo?” The
Hidden Message “If you can put up with the drone of my voice, go
ahead and feel free to ignore me. I don’t plan to take any action about this
issue at all.” Think About It An inescapable part of parenting
is getting our children to do many things they’d rather not, like picking
up dog doo, taking out trash, cleaning their rooms, and finishing homework. When
a parent continues to remind, ask, beg, pester, and yes, nag a child about a task,
but fails to follow through with any action, the parent actually gives the child
an interesting choice: either listen to the nagging, or do the task. The child
is free to decide that the minimal pain of listening to a parent beg over and
over is a small price to pay for sidestepping the dreaded deed. And children often
do, sometimes without realizing it. All of Kevin’s comments to Melody
are vague, and without any follow through action on his part he may as well say,
“If you could manage to pick up the dog doo sometime before your next birthday,
that would be really nice…” Changes You Can Make You
can avoid falling into the nagging trap. Simply follow this four-step process:
1) Think; 2)
Tell; 3) Warn; 4)
Act. 1) Think. Before you ask your child to
do something, think about exactly what you want, when you want it done, and how
your child should proceed. Be clear about your purpose. 2)
Tell. Once you’re certain about what you want, tell your child. Be specific.
Avoid any phrase that makes your request sound optional. For example, “Melody,
I would like the dog doo picked up before we sit down to dinner at 6:00.”
3) Warn. If the deadline looms and the requested
task has not been completed, let your child know that you are aware of this, and
remind her to get the job done. “Melody, dinner will be ready in ten minutes.
You are to pick up the dog doo before we eat.” 4)
Act. If the deadline has been reached and the task has not been performed, you
have a wide variety of options that all come under the heading “Act.”
A) You could nudge your child in the right direction either with physical
help (Put the shovel and bucket in her hand and guide her out to the yard.) B)
You could use a when-then statement (“Melody, I’ll be eating my dinner
in the kitchen. When you have picked up the dog doo, then you may join me.”)
C) You might follow through with a consequence (“Melody, since you
didn’t do as I asked, you’ll be staying home after dinner instead of
going to your friend’s house as you had planned.) D) If this is a
repeat offense, you might invite your child to sit down for a heart-to-heart.
Express your displeasure and your expectation. Brainstorm a solution to the problem.
For example, you may decide that she needs to create a checklist and keep it posted
in a prominent place, such as on the front of the refrigerator, so that she’ll
remember to do her chore each day. Then hand her a piece of paper, a ruler and
a box of markers and ask her to create the checklist then and there. E)
You might choose to do it yourself. I know, I know—you’re thinking,
“What!?!” But wait, you didn’t let me finish. Do it yourself and
let her know which of your jobs she can do for you. (“It’s 6:00, and
since you did not pick up the dog doo, I took the time to do it for you. Which
means that, in return, you’ll take the time to pull the weeds for me after
dinner.”) Keep in mind that, if you already have demonstrated a gift
for ‘gentle reminding, asking, nagging and hinting’, it will take some
time to convince your child that you have changed. And she’ll only get the
hint that you mean business if you’re consistent in employing the last step
(“act”). If you repeat step 3 (“warn”), twice, three times,
a dozen times … then you defeat the process and default into your old Nag
Mode. | 
