|  By Elizabeth Pantley,
Author of Hidden Messages: What Our Words and Actions are Really Telling Our Children
It’s a curious affliction: the tendency to talk about one’s children
in the most brutally honest and hurtful ways without realizing that the cherished
subjects of the offensive comments are listening to every word. Right now, you
may be saying to yourself, “This never happens to me.” Perhaps. Perhaps
not. But I think there’s a good chance you’ll see yourself in at least
one of the following examples. Unloading a cart full of Cheerios, macaroni-and-cheese
and hot dogs at the grocery store’s checkout counter, a harried mother chats
animatedly to the cashier. “… Only one more week ‘til summer
vacation, then the kids will be home all day. I can already hear the bickering
and whining! I don’t know how I’ll manage to live through the next few
months! Want to buy two kids, cheap?” The cashier laughs and shakes her head,
“Oh, no thanks, I have my own! I know what you mean! I’m already waiting
for next September!” In their supposedly innocent light-hearted banter, neither
one notices the shopper’s two children standing right beside her, listening
quietly to every hurtful word. Neither one notices a pair of small eyes cast downward
just so, or a nervous little cough. Consider Amir’s situation as he
walks in the door after another grueling day of work. His joyful, eager children
run for Daddy, but Mom spies him coming in just before they have their chance
to pounce. And the daily gripe session begins. “I am SO glad you’re
home. I need five minutes of peace and quiet. These kids drove me crazy all day!
Abdi and Sheida have been like wild animals. They were fighting in the living
room and knocked over the potted fern. Aria has been acting like a two-year-old—having
temper tantrums over every little thing. The wash machine is broken again and
I have four stacks of kids’ dirty clothes piled up in the laundry room .
. .” Quietly and unnoticed, three dispirited children fade into the background
of the family room and turn on the TV. Then there’s Megan, chatting
on the phone with her best friend. As usual, the conversation turns to the daily
issues with their children. Megan dramatically relates how very annoyed she was
with Kyle at baseball this morning. “I was so embarrassed!” she groans.
“The second time Kyle struck out he stomped his foot like a baby and threw
his helmet on the ground. You’d think he was five years old instead of 15!”
She chuckled. “ I think adolescent hormones are taking over.” Meanwhile,
said adolescent is just a few feet away, pretending to work on his homework—but
actually suffering the embarrassment of listening to his mother talk about his
very real pain as if it were some big joke. I know many parents who slip
into the type of unfortunate conversation of a mother and father who approached
me after a recent parenting lecture. They were anxious to talk with me, bemoaning
their three-year-old’s latest behavior problems. “Molly’s been
a good girl until recently. It’s like we’ve entered the terrible twos
a bit late. She’s just no fun anymore. She’s constantly yelling ‘No!’
to us and won’t listen to a word we say. We’ve tried to be patient,
but she’s pushed us to the end of our rope!” I glance down to see a
little three-year-old (Molly, perhaps?) clinging tightly to her father’s
leg. But she’s only three, she doesn’t understand what they’re
saying, this couldn’t possibly hurt her. Or so we think. The
Hidden Message “I can talk about you all I want, and since you’re
just a child you’re not listening to what I say anyway. You’re not worthy
of the same respect I’d give another adult. Besides, this is how I REALLY
feel about you, and I don’t care about your feelings—you’re just
a kid so your feelings aren’t important.” Think About It If
you don’t believe that your children hear your casual remarks, try this:
As you chat with a friend or your spouse, casually slip a question in the middle
of your conversation. Something along the lines of, “Do you think we should
round up the kids and take them out for ice cream?” Be ready to hop in the
car when you hear the chorus of, “Yes!” from the four corners of the
house. Children do not always react outwardly to what they hear. However,
if you could see into their hearts, you would find a record of every careless
word, every thoughtless action, every adult laugh, that here, in the most tender
and vulnerable of places, was not found so funny. Here would you find also significant—and
often, inappropriate—meaning attached to these products of childhood observation.
Children struggle through the growing-up process, and along the way they question
who they are and what their meaning is to this world and to their parents. A parent’s
potent words, and the multitude of other comments, gestures and actions, help
a child paint a picture of who he really is, and how important he is in this world.
How tragic for that child if, despite how we really feel, that painting is not
the masterpiece we envision! Changes You Can Make Given the
extreme importance of your words, it simply makes good sense to choose them carefully.
From now on, if your child is within hearing distance assume that he may be listening—and
don’t say anything about him that you wouldn’t say to him. If
you see a bit of yourself in the previous examples, you’re no different than
most parents. But that doesn’t mean that this behavior needn’t cease.
Such a simple change could have a very positive impact on your children’s
lives. As you talk about your children—and let’s face it, they’re
among our favorite topics—pay attention to how those words sound from your
child’s point of view. If you think that what you’re saying, or about
to say, can be construed as hurtful or embarrassing, stop. Talk about something
else. If you’re not sure what you’re saying has a negative impact
or not, ask yourself how you would feel if you overheard someone talking about
you in those exact words. Or perhaps you can ask yourself, “If I were talking
about my boss/spouse/best friend to another person, with the object of my comments
listening, would I ever say such a thing?” If your answer is a mortified
laugh, then stop mid-sentence and rephrase your comments in a more positive way,
if you find them absolutely crucial to the conversation. Better yet, find
something shining and wonderful to say about your child, and be sure your child
hears it. That type of “casual comment” can yield life-enhancing benefits
to your children. It may help them compose a more wonderful vision of themselves.
An image that they can carry with them for the rest of their lives. |
