Topic: The Widowed Single Parent

By Linda Della Donna

The funeral is over.

You’ve written ten thousand checks, signed your name ten thousand times to ten thousand thank you notes, and ten thousand times you wished you were dead.

Advice to Newly Widowed Fathers of Young Children
by Jeff Sovern

My daughters were aged three and five when their mother died. Here are some of the things I learned then or in the (now six) years afterwards. Of course, my situation may have been different from yours, and so you should disregard any statements that do not seem helpful to you. I am not trained in psychology or any related discipline and you should not treat the following as advice from a mental health professional.

I am a strong believer in seeking professional help to help children deal with the grieving process. We went to our family doctor a week after the death and asked for help in seeking out a counseling service. He told us the best care around was at the local Hospice. If you're lost and looking for help to get your kids through, I'd highly recommend this.

My children did group care called "Kids Club" o­nce a week and actually looked forward to the meetings. There, they were able to relate to other children who'd lost a parent or a sibling. They learned healthy ways to deal with the grief that will come up at various times in their lives. Again, they learned it was OK to talk about Dad even though he was gone.

Other than the obvious Birthdays and Christmas, there are other not so obvious times that will be hard.

My hardest was back to school this year. My oldest is a senior in Junior High, she has her first job, and is growing into quite the beauty. My middle child is in her first year of junior high and decided to switch to a French Immersion school. My youngest is now in grade five and growing into quite the little guy. Dad's missing it all. I cried so much the first day of school I though I was going to burst.

One of the things that will help you deal with a death and the grief that it will bring is how closely you as a family deal with it. Talk to each other, cry with each other, keep the lost parent alive through conversation.

So many parents are afraid to cry in front of their children. They don't want their children to be afraid. Well surprise, they're already afraid. Your being able to cry and say you miss the other parent will help your children to cry and talk with you.

When do you release your protective parenting grasp o­n your children and send them back to school? Like anything else in this process, everyone will be different.

When my ex husband died unexpectedly my children were 13, 11 & 8. I knew right away it was important for them to be as involved or as uninvolved as they chose to be. My middle daughter didn't want to go into his ICU bed side to say good bye, but the others did. My oldest daughter was there for the last rites, the younger two weren't. None of them chose to be there for his last minutes when they disconnected him from life support.

I was just before the o­ne year anniversary of my husbands death and was told at Hospice that the second year after a loss is often worse than the first. Oh goody.

As parents, I suppose it makes sense. Let's think about it. Our partner died. We arranged a funeral, settled estates, figured out how to continue running the house, worried about our children grieving, worried about the "firsts" of Christmas and birthdays without them. The first year is not o­nly busy worrying about other things and other people but it's a time of still letting it sink in...they're REALLY gone.

Bring o­n year two. You're still working to ensure the children are all right but the other things have settled down some. Now it's time for it to really sink in -- for YOU to deal with it. This will be my second Christmas without them, my second Mother's/Father's Day without them, and so o­n.

On top of it all you're bound to meet at least o­ne person who says "you're not over that yet? They died a YEAR ago!" People don't understand that grief does not follow a time limit. A grieving period does not mean that you come out of it "ok and ready to carry o­n". Grief will, in some form, follow you forever.

Understand though, the grief you're feeling as a newly widowed person will not, in most cases, be the same grief you feel as a 10 year widowed person. Usually you'll be going along fine by then, dealing with day to day things pretty much normally. Suddenly it will happen. Your son got o­n the Football team, your daughter's first dance recital, your child's graduation, wedding or other big event. The grief you thought was long gone will creep up o­n you in some form. The good news is, you will get through it, be sad, miss them dearly, cry, and continue o­n again.