Fall is settling in, our Trick-or-treaters have full bellies and it's time to start thinking about the Holidays.
Once again we bring your attention to our Holiday project for 2003. This year, we've chosen to help some schools fund projects that the kids need. So far, we've set up a Hands on Science Program [3], Bought books for a Beginners Reading Program [4], and now are working toward buying a photocopier for a classroom. Read more about it here [5]and please consider funding a small portion of the project.
This month we bring and article from a guest writer on the topic children of divorce having to split up holiday time. Another guest writer writes about Single Parents taking part in the two parent world of playgroups.
And finally a Happy Thanksgiving goes out to all our American Readers!
Written by: Jill Curtis [6]
Families gathering together for the holiday season. Could there by anything nicer? Well, yes and no. What about the families who are apart for one reason or another? How will they come together? For families split by divorce or separation one of the most fraught areas in family life, especially where there are young children, often centres around contact over the festivals.
This does not affect only the children - although they can have their problems too: Opening two sets of presents and going through two almost identical days with enthusiasm can be a strain for even the most cooperative child. It can often be a testing time for the parents as well. I heard from John about the way his family dealt with 'turkey and all the trimmings'. 'Year after year after year I'd have one meal with my mother and stepfather, one with my dad the next day, and another the following week with my grandparents. As an adult I never ever eat turkey.'
This brings to mind the complexity of the situation for stepfamilies and blended families.
Louise: 'My ex was never allowed to have his children on 'the day'. So what were we to do? Celebrate twice? - make my kids wait for their presents? Whatever we did was wrong for somebody, however hard we tried to be a new family.'
It seems that everybody has a claim - and that includes grandparents and step-grandparents. one of the less recognized areas of pain from the fall out from divorce is that some grandparents may lose all contact with their beloved grandchildren - and for them it is heartache when the time for celebration comes around. Mandy: 'One year a lovely family Christmas - then my son's divorce - and this year my grandson is in Australia with his mother, and I don't even have an address.'
For another grandmother, a different set of problems: Mae:'I have six grandchildren, and what a mixture they are. My son has one boy from his marriage and one stepdaughter. My daughter, Becky, decided she wanted a child - no partner, I'm afraid, and had a little girl, Maddie. My other daughter had one child from her first marriage, and two from her present relationship. I try to make a family dinner but to get them all together can be a nightmare. Becky was angry this year because her daughter Maddie had to have her gifts the Sunday before Christmas to keep in line with the other children who were off to their other parents for Christmas Day. But if you want to be a family today, you have to be open-minded and relaxed about these things.'
Some men and women are still able to come together as parents to smooth the path for their children. This is still easier to say than to put into practice - especially if there are other people to consider, as we heard from Louise. Often a firm structure and thinking ahead can ease the situation. We heard from Lily: 'We have it all planned. The parent who had the kids for most of the summer holiday has fewer days over the next holiday. It works for us.' Yet, from Jim: 'For me it's a must for us all to be together over the holidays. I start in September trying to make arrangements. The problem is as the kids get older, they have plans too.'
So there it is, what suits one family will not feel right for another. The important thing to keep in mind is that all the members who make up 'a family' will have a point of view about the holiday. Talk about it, don't assume anything, and sometimes by taking a back seat and not insisting on 'turkey and all the trimmings on the day' or even the following day, will bring about lasting gratitude from those who feel so caught in the middle of family strife. Remember there are 364 other days in the year.
© Jill Curtis 2002
Stir together:
As a single parent, your life is a juggling act. You need to meet deadlines at work, keep up your home, spend time with your child, and you need some time to yourself. What you really need is an activity that meets more than one of your needs at the same time.
Try a playgroup to combine time for you and your child. Generally thought to be the exclusive mainstay of stay-at-home moms, playgroups appeal to single parents more and more these days. Many playgroups offer activities on the weekends, and more single parents are joining them as well as starting their own playgroups, according to information at onlinePlaygroup.com, an Internet resource for finding, starting and managing a playgroup.
Sure, participating in a playgroup may mean fitting another activity into your busy week, but single moms – and dads! – agree that the payoff is worth it. Take a look at some of the benefits for single parents and their children.
Free or Low Cost Entertainment
All parents need a break now and then, but many don't have the extra money to spend on babysitters or on going out. Whether meeting in each other’s homes or at a central location like a park, spending time with friends in a playgroup doesn’t have to cost a cent! Most neighborhood playgroups do not charge membership dues at all. Playgroups offer the opportunity for single parents to get that weekly break from home and work, and yet spend time with their children at the same time.
For entertainment on a regular basis, the playgroup is unmatched! Weekly playgroups provide an enjoyable diversion where the children can play with friends while their parents talk or where all the members enjoy a structured parent-child activity. Even babies enjoy watching older children play.
Support and Friendship
At a playgroup, you socialize with your peers. The other members face the same struggles that you do with juggling career, home and family. In the give and take environment of a playgroup, parents have a chance to seek parenting advice, share experiences, and see other parenting methods firsthand. In today’s society many new mothers not only have postponed having children, but also have moved great distances from their families and friends. They no longer have that built-in support system that all new moms need. Playgroups fill that gap.
Even if you don’t have a playgroup nearby designed specifically for single parents, any local playgroup would give you a chance to make new friends and network. Indeed, friendship is perhaps the greatest reward of joining a playgroup. Many adults find lifelong friends in their playgroups.
Babysitting Co-op
Many playgroups offer babysitting co-ops as a benefit for their members. A babysitting co-op consists of a number of families in a community who decide to share babysitting among themselves without the exchange of money. The co-op is used for errands and doctor’s appointments and could even be used for weekends so parents could go out without the hassle of finding a sitter and the expense of paying for one. The parents feel more comfortable knowing their children are watched by an adult they know and by someone with whom the children feel comfortable as well.
In addition to babysitting co-ops, many groups offer “in-a-pinch” services. What if you can’t get to the daycare on time to pick up your child one afternoon? What if your toddler comes down with a fever and you can’t reschedule that important business meeting? Many parents find it convenient and comforting to have someone whom they know and trust that they could call at the last minute. In addition, through playgroup, their children know and feel comfortable with that other adult as well.
Low Stress Parent-Child Activity
Although most children of single parents already attend a day care where they learn to socialize, a playgroup provides a different atmosphere for socialization. Many of the children in playgroup will likely be in their classes when school starts, especially if the group is composed of neighborhood residents. Plus, since a playgroup is not a babysitting service, parents stay with their children. That means no worries with separation anxiety! The children can play and have fun without having to worry about mom leaving. Not to mention, if the playgroup offers structured activities, it’s 100 percent quality time with your child!
Money-saving Strategies
Many playgroups offer various barter systems, where members exchange goods and/or services with other members. These can include coupons, children’s clothes, and other baby items as well as services such as mowing the lawn, painting a room, or sewing clothes.
In addition, many local businesses offer discounts for non-profit groups, allowing playgroup members to save money at the stores they frequent. That could come in handy for single parents on a budget!
Community Involvement
Many parents’ groups and playgroups schedule field trips and other special events regularly. Their members get a chance to see the local sites and learn more about the area in which they live. Some groups even become involved in the community through various service projects.
Single parents need playgroups as much as their stay-at-home counterparts. For yourself and for your children, go out today and look for a local playgroup. If you can’t find one or if it doesn’t suit your needs, start your own! You and your children will be glad you did.
About the Author:
Carren W. Joye is the author of A Stay-at-Home Mom's Complete Guide to Playgroups (ISBN 0-595-14684-8; $13.95). A homeschooling mom of four children, she has founded five successful playgroups and helped start countless other playgroups around the world. Visit her web site at http://www.OnlinePlaygroup.com [10] for more information about playgroups. Thank you to all who decided to try out our free offer mailing list. My apologies for missing the last two weeks of updates, I've had company from out of the country and have been sick. I hope I'm back to weekly updates of that list for you!
Ramblings
Our freebee mailing list is back in full swing once again! Thank you for your patience as it went missing for a few weeks. You can either check out what's listed online here [11] or sign up for a weekly text newsletter delivering the links directly to your inbox. Sign up here [12].
Also, if you or someone that you know need help this Christmas try contacting some of the places on our list [13]. If you know of any other places that can be added to it, do let us know! A lot of people are struggling with the demise of an online program that they've depended on in the past so take a moment to pass on suggestions.
Well folks, that's it for another month. As usual, if you have any suggestions or contributions let me know [14]! We're always up to suggestions and recipes sent in also have the chance to be included on the website.
Jill Lassaline, editor
Single Parents World
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