The death of a marriage must be mourned like any other lost relationship. It is often experienced as a death of family, of commitment, hope, or a dream. Dreams die-hard as there is nothing tangible about them and no place to put the “body.” When one is a widow or a widower the entire world knows you have experienced a death and there are rituals to help you go through the grieving process. When you get divorced, few who haven’t been there realize the suffering you go through and support is often brief or completely lacking. This is a time to reach out for help. Perhaps you should seek a divorce group, professional help, or spend time with really good friends?

You’ve gotten a divorce and you are sure you never want to see your ex spouse again. Sex was never the real problem anyway, and certainly not the fundamental reason for the divorce. Then one night you get together and have dinner to talk about the kids. You’re feeling lonely and your mind goes blank unable to remember the many bad times you had together. Now what was so awful about your ex anyway? Why did you get divorced? The next thing you know one thing leads to another and you’ve gone to bed together. Maybe this even happens more than once. You begin to wonder if there is anything wrong with this pull back to the old and familiar. After all you have nothing else in the works right now anyway.

Going to bed with your ex is a lot more common than most people realize. A lot of divorcing partners have sex with their ex or soon to be ex at least once, usually, within a four to six month period after leaving when emotions are running up and down like a jumbo roller coaster ride. But, the emotions involved with this kind of sexual encounter are quite different from those of a constant relationship belonging to a loving married couple.

Some individuals go to bed with their ex viewing the experience as “one last goodbye,” others as a way to convince themselves that what they thought always worked in their relationship really isn’t the same anymore. And, still others see it as a safety net, satisfying their sexual need without having to maintain the total relationship.

Many of those divorced are saddened by the loss of their marriage and angry about all that has happened. Yet, they still have warm memories about the past and regrets about what might have been. The loneliness and depression you may feel following a divorce can wreak havoc on your mental state causing mixed emotions and an inability to make good choices.

Although sex with your ex may provide a temporary release, you must let go sexually as in other emotional ways in order to heal and grow. This won’t happen until you agree to stay out of each other’s beds. The old adage “it ain’t over until it’s over” truly applies.

In addition, a continued sexual connection with your ex can be very confusing for your children. Seeing their parents continue an intimate relationship can be very detrimental to their adjustment to the divorce. Children need stability and seeing this kind of relationship confuses them. It creates a ragged boundary and it may fuel their fantasy that their parents will reconcile.

If you do find you want to get back together, your bed is probably not the best place to work out your issues. If you are seriously considering trying again, reach out and get professional help to work out the problems that caused you to divorce in the first place.

If you are truly finished, stay alone in your own bed. You want to get it right the next time round. You don’t want to kiss the frog again. This time you really want a prince or princess.

Life is too hard to do alone, Dr. D.

Dorree Lynn, PH.D. Portions of this column first appeared in an interview of DR.D in an article by Kelly Gamble in the magazine Family Digest, Spring 2001.

About the Author Dr. Dorree Lynn is co-founder of the Institute for the Advanced Study of Psychotherapy and a practicing clinician in New York and Washington, DC. Dr. Lynn served on the executive board of the American Academy of Psychotherapists and she is on the editorial board of their publication, Voices. She is also a regular columnist for the Washington, DC newspaper, The Georgetowner. Dr. Lynn is a noted speaker and well known on the lecture circuit.