It's been a typical day for this single mom. Routine day with back-to-back appointments, commitments at work with a mandatory meeting that can't be missed, and a dentist appointment that has been delayed for 6 months due to time--not to mention life's chores of cooking, cleaning, transporting, the whole nine yards that never stops. . . . Just the usual day of needing to take care of a 4-year old while transforming into the ultimate juggler of meeting needs. No wonder single parenting can feel so overwhelming!
There are many who have tried to stop me describing and illustrating the disadvantages of a single mom: "Your kid will be screwed up"; "You'll never find another good guy"; "no one will love your child as much as the biological parent"; "If you loved your child that much, you'd stay married"; "You're going to be miserable"; and "You're going to be poor." The list goes on and on and on, remembering of course people's opinions and advice are unsolicited and given freely at no cost!
Single parenting is stressful and indeed a challenge. However, there is a solution and unmarried women who have children can actually be happy, In fact, "single moms" deserve to have a life beyond their wildest dreams! Why can't we follow our passions and start living to our highest potential? If you're reading this article and feeling pretty hopeless, then you have the right to know there's a life out there for you that's just waiting for you. It's a life filled with contentment, peace, joy, love, and even playfulness. A life which you'd never have imagined.
In fact, my life has never been better. If people had told me before I made the decision to divorce that I would have the most brilliant, loving, imaginative 4-year-old, I would not have believed them. If they had told me I'd be successful in my job, I would not have believed. And, I would have never guessed I'd be training for a figure-and-fitness show at 35 years old! I'd never guessed that I'd be dating "the man of my dreams," and I would have never believed. . . "never; not me . . . who wants a woman with all this baggage?" If "they" had also told me I'd never be alone, that there are family and friends who are there for me, and supporting me unconditionally, I truly would not have believed. My life today is beyond my wildest dreams. I have never been any happier, peaceful, and free.
Single parenting doesn't have to be seen by others as something derived from a negative connotation. There are limitations and weaknesses associated with single parenting but why can't we take those limitations and weaknesses and build on the strengths and advantages? Yes, single parenting can have its advantages and you will even have the opportunity to discover your strengths pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone and into your highest potential!
What every single parent needs in order to live beyond survival
Overwhelmed, frustrated, tired, or lonely? You are not alone. We all have these feelings at one time or another. We are human beings having human experiences; welcome to planet "life." And while we're on the subject, have you ever asked what kind of "life" you'd like for yourself as a single parent? You read that right . . . yes, you have the right to choose what kind of life you'd like for yourself!
You're probably saying to yourself right now "I don't have time," or "I'm too busy for these esoteric questions." But if you want to stop existing and start living, then let's get to work.
Survival Needs
- Hershey Kiss
- Penny
- Phone card
- Apple
- Heart.
Hershey Kiss--the secret to fulfilling the richness of a "sweet" life
Make time for yourself.
Sometimes as single parents we forget how we are worthy of a full "rich" life. Just what do we mean by being full? Full means being satisfied on many levels, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When we are busy meeting the needs of our children we neglect ourselves. It's draining to constantly meet the needs of others, but in order to survive, the single parent has no choice but to meet these needs. It is imperative for the single mother to get out of herself and meet the needs of her children.
What happens when we are constantly giving and meeting the needs of others?
As a result of focusing on others the single parent forgets about having a sense of "self." Colleen, a single parent in Pittsburgh, PA describes the need of always taking care of her daughter and the time consumed in fulfilling life's responsibilities. Consequently, she has forgotten herself and feels as if she is not allowed to tap into her innermost self, and therefore does not know who or what she wants. The truth is when we are constantly focused on others we lose ourselves, forgetting who we are. In the process of focusing on others and neglecting ourselves, eventually the person will become drained and burned out. Single parents are forced to make time for themselves allowing alone time to refuel and replenish the spirit.
Having alone time is similar to a car. Cars run on gas and need to be refueled in order to keep going. In order for you to keep going it is imperative for you to not find but to make the time to "fuel up." When you're filled up, then you will have something real to give.
How do we refuel our spirits?
Make time for yourself--even if it is for a few minutes a day--as long as you have time to be alone and place the spotlight on you. It might be helpful to have a designated time to which you can commit to on a regular basis. For example, my alone time is at 3:30 a.m. This is the only alone time I have and there are no distractions at this time. Stacey, another single mom, gets up every morning at 4:30 a.m.
Find a place in your home or outside the home where you could replenish yourself. Have a certain area in your house or outside the house that is your own space where you could be mindful of the importance of "filling-up." In Buddhism, this is called emptying your thoughts or detaching yourself from your thoughts.
Take up a hobby that will fill you up, leaving you feeling recharged, such as meditation, yoga, aerobics/physical exercise, art, theatre, or painting.
Make a play date with yourself. Plan out a time when you can do something fun for yourself. You don't need a lot of money or time to have a play date with yourself just as long as you are doing something that you consider fun. Who says you have to leave the house? Single moms: why not put the kids in bed "early," disconnect the phone, and take a bubble bath while listening to your favorite music! Single dads: is it time to rewatch your favorite baseball match?
By making time for yourself you will become refueled, ultimately allowing yourself to have a rich fulfilled life! Remember as a single parent you will have to be creative, maybe even extremely creative in making time for yourself. Be "realistic" and set goals for yourself that can be done on a regular basis, such as starting off with 5 minutes a day.
Penny--In God we have no option but to trust
"A power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
--Step 2 of Alcoholics Anonymous
Trust is earned and certainly not given. Inevitably, we have given our trust to people, places, or "things" in the past and have eventually become hurt, leaving us ultimately in a position of being hurt, suspicious, and even feeling vulnerable.
As single parents, we don't have time to get into philosophical discussions or debates. Perhaps your divorce was especially acrimonious. Perhaps your spouse died leaving you literally "holding the baby," and you became angry at her leaving you to struggle all by yourself. Perhaps the joke that runs, "What's 100 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start!" is too close to home. The truth is most of us have been hurt and trust is not something in our vocabulary. How do we get past that roadblock?
When one has been betrayed or hurt by another, it is a common human behavior to place all people who might potentially fit into that category as capable of hurting or betraying you. A woman might think that all men are abusive; a man might think that all women are controlling. Such generalizations are untrue, but it can take effort to demonstrate that this is not so.
Many people are spiritual, or practice a given religion. Yet what is one of the most important facets of these practices? Faith--faith in God or faith in a higher power, and faith means an implicit trust in God or the higher power. No one is asking you to suddenly start trusting every man or woman that walks on the planet, but to give people a chance. If you meet someone you like on a personal level, trust him or her enough to make a date for coffee. Take the next step, and go on from there. Build trust and earn it. Become friends.
Phone card--I'm not alone…I have a support line. Reach out and touch someone
The old AT&T tagline, "Reach out and touch someone," means more than just call your mom. During crises and trauma, many of us have a tendency to hunker down and become hermits. We don't want to burden someone with our problems; we don't want to embarrass ourselves or admit to another we screwed up or allowed ourselves to get into a bottomless pit. Moreover, many of us don't have the time or money to seek professional help.
Humans are social beings. There might be a few genuine hermits in the world, but for the majority of us, being one isn't an option. So whom do you call? If you have an understanding mother or father, brother or sister, give them a call. Give them an opportunity to become part of your support system if they so desire. Talk about your fears and hopes. Talk out your anger, depression, and frustration. Sometimes a support group just listens while you vent. Sometimes your support group can make valuable suggestions.
That's all well and good you might say, but what if I don't have a family to talk with, or a close friend that I can trust? Many good organizations do exist for the single parent both on the Internet (bulletin boards, chat rooms) and in large and small cities. If you've never done this before, take courage and just do it.
Apple--an apple a day keeps the doctor away; a healthy fruitful life
Being a single parent means being constantly busy, but don't neglect your health. Watch what you eat. Watch what you drink. It's easy to fall into a pattern of excessive indulgence of the wrong kinds of food and drink--your "comfort factors." What harm in a few beers or a pack of chips? No harm really, unless you find yourself consuming them every night.
Your child needs good nutrition, and so do you. Do both of yourselves a favor. Instead of resorting to fast-food takeouts or pulling out prepackaged meals from the freezer, take some time to cook proper breakfasts and evening meals. Involve your children. Most kids love to make cookies, and from that it's a hop and a step to cakes, and entrees. Guys, some of the best cooks are males, so don't wimp out. Who knows, perhaps you might impress your future girlfriend with your version of Beef Wellington! Buy a cookbook if you don't have any, and try working through a few recipes. Okay, so your first effort at lasagna wasn't the greatest. Share a good laugh around the dinner table and try again!
Keeping healthy means getting outside and exercising. Include the family on a short walk, a game of Frisbee, basketball, or a short trip to the park. When you exercise, your body produces chemical entities called endorphins, which actually make you feel better. On weekends, plan hiking trips or games. Many schools orchestrate out-of-hours sports activities, so here's another opportunity to get involved. And who knows, maybe you'll meet another single parent.
Last, don't ignore the warning signs of sickness. Many eastern cultures believe that before one can become physically sick, the mind itself must first become sick. Just being a single parent can be a constant source of frustration, headaches, and stress. Not allowing these conditions to take root will go a long way to ensuring that you will stay healthy.
Heart--A heated love affair with self; learning to love myself
Many spiritual themes maintain that before you can love another, one has to love oneself. And that means having respect for oneself, and accepting oneself for the person you are, regardless of faults, behaviors, and the baggage life has generated. Many times, when things go wrong, we blame ourselves too strongly for our shortcomings; or others are quick to fault us and we feel depressed as a result.
For example, lack of self-esteem is the root of many problems. Self-esteem is a fancy term for what we think of ourselves. It is easy to be critical but far harder to be constructive, and in today's society pointing fingers has become common practice—"the blame game."
At the center of all things is responsibility. Take ownership of all the events in your life that you were responsible for, no more and no less. In time, this will be a source of honesty, integrity, and strength for you. It is not a sign of weakness to admit that you caused a problem. Perhaps you were lazy. Perhaps you did not follow your heart. Perhaps you were mean and nasty toward a person. Perhaps you did the "right" thing and you still ended up being the "bad" guy. (Nice guys finish last, right?) None of us are saints, but we can aspire to become better people: being less judgmental; being more accepting of others and their behavior; offering to help those less fortunate than ourselves. All of these actions will enable you to be at peace with who you are and to love yourself.
Putting yourself down all the time for the circumstances in which you find yourself is not a healthy practice; nor is blaming others for your predicament. Take responsibility, learn from your mistakes, and get comfortable with yourself. In time, you will be ready for another partner, trust me.
