The holidays can be emotional trigger points for parents who are separated or divorced. Even if you think you are coping well, you may find yourself grieving for the family, and holiday, you used to have, especially if you are on your own at Christmas. If your ex has the kids for the holidays, be good to
youand pamper yourself in inexpensive ways. Do something
you’ve always wanted to do this year.
Cook something special—comfort food is good for the soul. Avoid too much sugar and alcohol, though. If you want to stay in your pajamas all day and watch a bunch of your favorite movies, go ahead. Time outdoors restores our spirits, bundle up and go for a long walk or go outside and look at the stars. If you are going to be alone, let friends know your plans ahead of time; true friends will want to be supportive, but they may not know you are on your own. Arrange to spend time with family and friends who make you feel good.
- Give yourself permission to grieve. It’s natural to be sad about your separation or divorce.Holidays intensify these feelings.
- Don’t spend December blaming others or yourself. Try and look forward, rather than backward.
- If you find yourself saying things you regret, remember that nobody is perfect. Give yourself permission to press the “delete” button and mentally erase your mistakes
- Be flexible with your ex over the holidays when you can. Someday you may need a favor! Being rigid may feel righteous at the time, but it’s hard on your kids and it’s hard on your health. Some of the things he or she is going to do are going to drive you crazy. Focus on the issues that are important to your children’s well-being and let the other stuff go.
- It’s natural to be bitter and angry, but try to reframe your thinking. Instead of thinking about what you don’t have, find ways to share what you do have. Caring for others is good for your health. Bake some muffins for an elderly neighbour or shovel their sidewalk.
- Too busy to shop or not used to being the Christmas shopper in your family? Shop online. Give gift certificates. Give a gift to charity in someone’s name instead of wrapping and mailing a gift.
- Can’t afford to shop? Give friends or family a babysitting coupon. When it’s your ex’s turn to have your kids, take their children for the evening, day or weekend. It may help ease the heartache of missing your own children a little.
- Give your parents the gift of your time this year. Make up coupons offering help with household chores.
- If you are denied access or phone calls to your children, write a special holiday letter to each one. Tell them what you love and admire most about them. If you aren’t able to give it to them this year, put it away in a special memory box.
- In time, try to forgive your ex. Do it for yourself. Do it for your kids.
“He who cannot forgive others destroys the bridge over which he himself must pass.”
~ George Herbert
© 2006 Virginia Brucker is the author of Gifts from the Heart: Simple Ways to Make Your Family’s Christmas More Meaningful. Book sales support cancer research--to date, over $98,500 has been raised for the Canadian Cancer Society. A newly revised and expanded edition of Gifts from the Heart is available at bookstores across Canada, $19.95, ISBN 1-897178-30-1, 336 pages.
