Topic: Newly Single -- Now What?

By: Karl Augustine

Life after divorce is something that most people who are going through divorce think about. Thinking about having a life after divorce or thinking about how your life will be after divorce, are common because people tend to fear for themselves. In fact, think about having a life after divorce while getting a divorce can be a sticking point for some people because they just aren't sure what their life will "look like" after divorce.

By: Dr. Dorree Lynn

The death of a marriage must be mourned like any other lost relationship. It is often experienced as a death of family, of commitment, hope, or a dream. Dreams die-hard as there is nothing tangible about them and no place to put the “body.” When one is a widow or a widower the entire world knows you have experienced a death and there are rituals to help you go through the grieving process. When you get divorced, few who haven’t been there realize the suffering you go through and support is often brief or completely lacking. This is a time to reach out for help. Perhaps you should seek a divorce group, professional help, or spend time with really good friends?

Acknowledge the fact that you have to go through three different stages during a break-up. Once you realize this, you can chart your progress and see that it's only a short trip to recovery.

by Laura Johnson

Abuse isn't limited to acts of physical battery and domestic violence. It can be emotional or psychological, too. The methods used by an abuser can be very subtle or extremely direct. Abusers can be male, female and even children.

When a divorce involves the ending of a marriage in which abuse is a facet of the family dynamics, divorce lawyers and judges have difficulty in knowing just how to deal with it, unless it is physical abuse or the threat of physical abuse that puts a spouse or child in immediate danger or fear of harm. There is legal authority for how they must deal with domestic violence, physical abuse, harassment or stalking that puts a person in fear of his or her safety.

Their difficulty arises, not from a failure to acknowledge and appreciate that an act of emotional or psychological abuse or an isolated act of physical abuse has occurred, but from several other factors. First and foremost is that divorce lawyers and family court judges must build a protective shell around their emotions and mind to enable them to do their jobs. Without the shell, they are too emotionally involved and their logical thought processes are hindered. They have to be very pragmatic and realistic about what effect, if any, the abuse might have o­n the final outcome of a divorce. The shell is also necessary for the lawyers and judges to maintain their own mental health.

by Laura Johnson

Divorce can be a dirty business when in the hands of lawyers who play power games to gain an unfair advantage over the other side. The same applies for angry, vindictive soon-to-be ex-spouses who have a "win at all costs" attitude. If this happens in your divorce, there are few things that you can do to control the other side, but there are several things you can do to prepare and manage the divorce.

The first thing to do is recognize a scheme and power play when you see it. The second thing is to not lose your cool and try to fight fire with fire. It will o­nly cause things to escalate and your entire family will suffer. The final step is to think ahead and plan positive steps to counter your spouse's power game. Get outside help if necessary.

Anyone who has just been dealt the blow of a separation or a divorce will find themselves sitting there wondering "now what?" No matter why a relationship ends there are going to be a lot of issues to deal with. The emotional issues that you must work though will seem like a never-ending pile of shock and depression.

It does not have to last, know that going into it. No matter how bad you feel now, or in the future, it will go away with time. Think about it. The build up from meeting your ex to your marriage (or steady relationship for those who didn't marry) did not happen overnight. It built, slowly raised to what it was when you got serious. In the same vein of thought, your marriage did not fall apart all at o­nce either. It eroded over time (sometimes o­nly for o­ne party) until you found yourself where you are today. Even a bad marriage that you're glad to get out of will bring grief, loss, and a flurry of unexpected emotions.

Yes, it does usually take two people to end a relationship but the person who ultimately wants out will often exaggerate the problems, the 'faults' of the other person to make themselves feel right in their decision. By doing this, the already devastated other person will feel even more responsible for what has happened. They will feel if they had been better, if they're done more things right, if they'd just met their needs all would be fine. It leaves you in a crushed state constantly wondering what it is you could have done to make it better.

Let me tell you, there's nothing you could have done. When o­ne person decides they want out it's not possible for another person to force them to stay no matter how much you love them.